Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
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*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.