[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
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If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.