Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
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We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
This cat wants you to take your pills
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]