The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
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[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I don’t get marriage
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”