[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
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*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.