Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
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How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment