ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
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“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
What the hell is going on?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel