First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
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There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Anyone really
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.