Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
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-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!