Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
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{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Milk Cube
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
That took me a moment.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”