That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
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Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Mood.. 😂
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.