I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
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Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
drew a comic about my origin story
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Botany good plants lately?
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”