carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
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Dammit Chief not again
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine