Are these grass-fed oranges?
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If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
😂😂😂
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
A little too much information.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??