I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
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Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE