her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
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If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.