Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
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Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers