Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
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I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”