Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
You Might Also Like
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Hilarious if literal: arms race
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*