running feels great unless you compare it to not running
You Might Also Like
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Seems a bit forward
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason