[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
You Might Also Like
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman