“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
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To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Good Morning.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free