Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
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no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.