BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
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[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.