I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
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Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.