my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
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Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk