My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
You Might Also Like
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”