“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
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I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Never ghost your hitman.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*