Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
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I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
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Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!