my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
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Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.