No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
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I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
every college guy’s fridge
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please