*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
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SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Teach your children to beatbox
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.