911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
You Might Also Like
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I triple waxed for this?
Polite kitties have good etiquecat