“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
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I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
respect
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.