cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
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I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
normalize having existential bread
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.