CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
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Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you