I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
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Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm