Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
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(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”