great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
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Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
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No-one: I can hear screaming
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.