Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
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when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?