sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
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[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
this is so top tier i cant
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!