I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
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stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Free him
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home