“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
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We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
This could be us but you eatin’
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.