I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
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ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
When your parents check you’re ok.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.