ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
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[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
forgive me baja for i have blast
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I’ll be mad as hell!
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.