“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
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My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
me irl
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
This hospital has everything
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Bringing home a sharpie
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium