Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
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4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.