Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
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me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Probably my best painting.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.