as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
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After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding