What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
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Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”